Fic: The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Cop (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Jake/Amy)

[amathela]

Title: The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Cop
Fandom: Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Pairing(s): Jake/Amy
Word Count: 2305
Rating: PG

Summary: Starring Detective Theodore Bear, New York's Finest (and cuddliest).

Notes: Written for torigates as a yuletide treat.


"You can't bring that in here."

"Bring what in here?"

Amy looks dubiously at the giant stuffed teddy bear Peralta is holding, and frowns. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," he says. Not even trying to hide it, like he even could; it's probably bigger than he is. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about the giant stuffed teddy bear you're holding," she says. And then, at his fake, exaggerated confused look, "The one that's right in front of me?"

He makes a show of looking around, peering under Boyle's desk, and then looks down in surprise at the bear. "Oh, you mean this bear?"

Not for the first time this week, Amy mentally runs through the list of reasons why she can't kill him. Number one: Captain Holt would be really disappointed in her.

"No, it's fine," he says, as if she said something instead of just glaring at him. "I totally cleared it with Holt."

"Really?" she asks.

"No," he says. "That's a lie."

"Obviously. You know we're not allowed to bring in unusually large personal objects."

He cocks his head. "I've never heard of that policy."

(Amy remembers: Peralta, frozen, holding a giant pair of - unfortunately real - scissors, while Captain Holt says, "No unusually large objects in the precinct." And Boyle in the corner, bleeding, insisting he's totally fine, great one, Jake.)

"That's interesting, because I sent out a memo detailing all our current policies two days ago."

"That's not interesting."

Numer two: She'd get blood all over the carpet, and she hates cleaning up bodily fluids. Number three: She's already bought his birthday present.

"Really?" she asks. "Because Captain Holt read it, and I think he almost smiled afterwards. He even sent a reply. It said, 'noted.'"

"That's great," Peralta says, but in a way like he thinks it's not great, which is just ridiculous. "But this isn't an unusually large personal object."

"It's six feet tall."

"And yet not an object."

"Then what is it?"

"This," he says, "is an officer of the New York Police Department."

Okay, so that actually makes her stop for a second. And then she says, "That's not an officer. It's a teddy bear."

"Okay," he says. "First of all, it's a he. His name is Theodore Bear. Calling him an it is really rude. Second of all, yes he is. See? He even has a badge."

Amy leans forward, peering at the bear. "That's a fake badge."

"So was mine for, like, a month and a half. It doesn't mean I wasn't a real cop."

"You're right," she says. "That's not what means you aren't a real cop."

He frowns, his eyebrows knitting together. "I'm pretty sure that was an insult, so I'm just going to say, hey."

"Really?" she asks. "You're the one comparing yourself to a stuffed bear, and you're insulted?"

"I fail to see how that's relevant."

"You fail at a lot of things," she says. And then, glancing over Peralta's shoulder and instinctively straightening, "Captain Holt! Peralta brought a bear into the precinct."

"A real bear?" he asks. Super calm, like, wow. Amy could never be that calm if she thought there was a bear nearby.

"No," she says, and points to the bear as he comes around to see it. "A fake bear. See?"

"I do see," he says, and disappears into his office.

Okay. Well.

"Does that mean he doesn't care?" she asks. She really doesn't see how that could be the case; it was right there on the memo. "Or does he expect you to get rid of it?"

"I have no idea," Peralta says. "But I'm going to go with, it means it's totally okay. In your face, Ms. Always Follows The Rules."

And then he walks away, and all Amy can think to shout after him is, "That's a compliment!"

-

"No," she says, before she's even in the car.

Peralta blinks at her, all innocence. She's seen way better performances in interrogation. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about the bear," she says. "We are not taking a teddy bear along to a crime scene."

"But we are taking a fellow officer," he says. "I hope you don't mind sitting in the back, he likes to ride up front."

"Yes, I do mind," she says. "I'm not riding in the back."

"Well, he can't ride there. Do you want him to feel like a criminal?"

"He's a bear!" she says. "Why are we even talking about this?"

"Um, because you're selfish?"

"What?" she asks. "I am not selfish."

"You're being kind of selfish."

"Yeah, well, I'll show you selfish," she says, and climbs in the back. Because she wants to. Not because she's too afraid to stand up to a teddy bear.

And, okay, she regrets it when Captain Holt walks past, glances into their cruiser, and locks eyes with her. But she's already made her stupid decision by then, so whatever. She can own this, it's fine.

It's less fine when they get to the crime scene.

"Detective Peralta, Detective Santiago, Detective Bear," he introduces them, and immediately, like, three people look at them like they're completely crazy. Which they are, she supposes; Peralta for making this stuff up in the first place, her for not having figured out how to get him to stop. "We're here to solve this beary serious case."

"No," she says, as soon as they're reasonably alone (which is almost immediately, and she doesn't blame the people who hastily backed away). "You did not just say that."

"What?" he asks. "I'm taking this seriously."

"You are doing the opposite of taking this seriously," she says. "You're carrying around a stuffed animal and making bear puns."

"Your point being?" he asks.

"I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you," she says. "And I'm going over there now."

"Beary well!" he calls after her, and she cringes. She wonders if she has enough stationery left over from Christmas to write apology notes to everyone involved in this case.

-

For the record, the bear does not solve the case.

"The bear solved the case," Peralta proudly announces as they walk in, and Amy sighs.

"That is not what happened."

"Did Detective Bear locate the missing cash, or did he not?"

"You mean, when I threw him at your head and he knocked over the table?"

"Yes," he says. "Which, by the way, was a case of grievous assault against a fellow officer, so I think we should maybe talk about that."

"I'll show you grievous assault against a fellow officer if you don't shut up," she says, which, of course, is when Captain Holt walks in.

"I'd like to see that," he says, and of course, she can't tell if he's being encouraging or reprimanding her. Given her luck today, it's probably not the former.

"Me, too," Rosa says. "A lot."

"Hey," Boyle cuts in. "I think Jake was telling us about Detective Bear."

Oh, god, Amy sincerely hopes that does not catch on.

"Thank you, Boyle," Peralta says. "As I was saying, Detective Bear was instrumental in helping me solve this case. Truly one of New York's Finest, wouldn't you say, Santiago?"

"I thought I told you to get rid of that bear," Captain Holt says.

"You never said that," Peralta says, and Amy has never wished so fervently for him to shut up. Or at least to not drag her into this any more than he actually has.

Captain Holt's face is impassive. "I implied it."

"Right," Peralta says. "Silly me. I must have missed that."

"Get rid of the bear."

"But Captain, I just think Santiago would miss her beloved partner so much -"

Yep, there it is.

"Now, detective" Captain Holt says, and walks away.

Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet -

"He was only a week away from retirement!"

-

"I think he's being beary unreasonable," Peralta says.

"Stop it."

"I've become beary attached to this little guy."

"No."

"This is a beary difficult time for me."

"Please stop talking," Amy says. "I will literally pay you to stop talking."

"You know," he says, "I thought you'd be more understanding, considering he's actually yours."

"What?" she asks. "He isn't mine. You brought him in."

"Technically, he brought himself in," he says. "But that's beside the point, which is that I only brought him as a present to you."

"You -" She stops short. "What?"

"A present," he says. "You know, something one person buys for another at a special time of year, like, for example, Valentine's Day -"

"You bought me a Valentine's Day present?"

"- Just as, you know, a token of friendship. Or not even friendship. Partnership. Wait, no. Colleague-ship. Is what I feel for you. Hence this present."

"Hence a giant teddy bear?"

"You said you wanted one," he says. "When we were doing the thing, you said you never had one, and you wanted one, so I thought -"

"You'd bring a giant stuffed bear to the precinct even though you know it's against the rules?"

"Yes!"

"And then you'd give it to me, so I was the one breaking the rules."

"Yes," he says. "Wait -"

"That's a terrible present," she says. "Really, truly terrible."

"It was supposed to be thoughtful and romantic."

"Thoughtful would have been actually reading my memo reminder emails. I send those for a - wait, did you say romantic?"

"What?" he asks. "No. I said … regular. I thought it would be thoughtful and regular."

"Right," she says.

"Can we just throw this bear away and get it over with?"

"I thought you were attached to him."

He shrugs. "It's just a bear. So, shall we?"

"No," she says, suddenly decisive. And then, at his questioning look, "You can put him in my car."

"Really," he says, in a tone she can't quite parse.

"Whatever," she says. "Let's just do this, okay? We still have a lot of paperwork to do."

"You know, you'd have less paperwork if you stopped sending out reminder emails about everything that happens in the precinct."

"And you'd have a lot less if you didn't bring giant stuffed animals along on your cases."

"Touché," he says.

-

She does not - absolutely does not - let Detective Bear sleep in her bed that night.

She also does not think of him as Detective Bear.

"You have a fake badge imprint on your face," Peralta points out when he walks in.

Damn it.

"It's okay," he says. "I still sleep with my stuffed rabbit."

"Why are you telling me this?"

He shrugs. "Policy: Coworkers should be encouraged to bond in a collegiate and appropriate manner in order to establish healthy working relationships."

"Wait," she says. "That's one of Captain Holt's policies."

"It is."

"That was in the policy reminder email I sent out."

"Was it?" he asks. "That's a coincidence."

She beams. "You read my memo."

"Maybe I just accidentally stumbled across it while searching for porn."

"Gross," she says, but she's still smiling. "Also, I'm not sure talking about porn and your sleeping habits is an appropriate manner."

"Hey," he says, "I could be doing way worse."

That's so true. This conversation is actually going really well, comparatively speaking.

"Thank you," she says.

"For reading your memo?"

"For - yes."

"You're welcome," he says. "Weirdo."

"There's nothing weird about following the rules."

"There is something weird about never ever breaking them, ever."

"I disagree," she says.

"You would."

Policy: Coworkers should not engage in relationships of a sexual or romantic nature.

Amy leans forward, and kisses him.

"What -" he says. After, like, a good minute, so she's feeling pretty good about that. "What was that?"

"Happy Valentine's Day," she says. And then, more quietly, "Thank you for the gift."

"Not that I'm complaining," he says. "Did it wound like I was complaining? Because I wasn't. In fact, maybe you should do that again, and I can not complain some more -"

"Detectives." And of course Captain Holt is here. Did he see that? Oh, please let him not have seen that. "Am I interrupting something?"

An accusation, or an actual question? She has no idea.

"No," she says. Too quickly, but if he notices, he doesn't let it show. Not that he would.

"Good," he says. "I have a new assignment for you."

"Great," she says. "I love new assignments. I would marry new assignments if it were legal. Which it isn't. And I'm a cop, so -"

She's babbling. Oh, god, she broke the rules this one time and she is totally going to get found out, she knows it.

"Good," Captain Holt says. "Because this is a tough one. In fact, you may even need a third set of eyes on the case."

"Did he just -" Peralta asks as the captain walks away.

"No," she says. "Definitely not." He wouldn't. Would he?

"What if he did?"

"That's ridiculous," she says. "He didn't."

"And yet," he says, "do you really want to risk disregarding the captain's advice?"

Damn it. No, she does not.

"Detective Bear is in my car," she says at least, reluctantly.

"Yes!" he says. "I knew you loved it."

"Maybe I'm trying to give it back to you."

"Okay."

"No!" she says reflexively, and Peralta grins.

"Fantastic," he says. "Now, about that kiss -"

"You mean, the one that didn't happen?" she asks, and winks at him. Or tries to; she ends up with more of a squinty-blinking thing, so that's probably something she's going to have to work on. "Because I never break the rules?"

"That's the one," he says. "I just wanted to say, I look forward to not breaking the rules with you again in the future."

For a moment, she isn't really sure how to react, and then she says, "So do I."

But for now, she, Peralta, and Detective Bear have a case to solve.